Burnout
I've tride, I really did. But I was missing something. Last half of a year, from August 24, I kind of spiraled in to several art projects that cost me money vise and energy vise too much. It was like a rabbit hole - ones you jumped in, there is no turning back. I need to find a new way out. The path was scary, full of regrets and judgemental self criticism. So I was wondering, what went wrong and what I was missing.
In mid-December, I admitted to myself that I was on the verge of burnout. I remember exactly the day when the realization hit me like a bolt from the blue. The conversation with my partner is still vivid in my mind. I was complaining to him about how I feel and how nothing is working for me anymore. At first, he listened to me in silence, then calmly told me: “It all sounds like burnout.” No other explanation, just a very dry sentence. I looked at him - his statement hit me hard. Silence followed. I couldn't see all the signs myself, I needed him to tell me. At that moment something broke inside of me. My body reacted with tears - I had no control, because my body had been in spasm for too long and the realization that I am burned out was like permission for my body to finally release the tension. How could I let this happen to me?! Such a typical story that I've heard it so many times already. And yet it's mine and it hurts differently.
Painting Sonata, detail
What went wrong?
I didn't stop when there was still time. I wanted to exhibit in the interior design store by all means, even though the communication wasn't good and their attitude towards other artists and their paintings wasn't up to my standards either. And it's totally okay that we have different standards. However, I should have known how to walk away and end the collaboration when there was still time. So I ended the collaboration after the unsuccessful "exhibition opening" (it was not an exhibiton at all). Next day I was subjected to very disrespectful communication from them. I can't remember the last time I was treated so badly. That's what hurt me the most. The second mistake was more financial, when with the successful Free Gift campaign I exceeded the financial limits. So I spent 3x more on this project than I had planned. And finally, the grand finale with the opening of the online store, where I completely ran out of energy and strength. I had no motivation to promote the online store anymore, and I was also late in terms of time, as it was already December. So sales were poor and I barely got anything back, not even enough to cover my costs.
I realized that I wasn't being honest with myself. Like so many times in the past. I told myself a story about how things should turn out, even though reality was becoming increasingly different from that story in my mind. I wanted new experiences with an interior design store, I wanted to create a freeby and then an online store.. And I did all of this, but I paid a high price - I wasted more money and energy than I really had. At the beginning of December I was already running empty and I still needed to push through my online store. It was simply too much. But I didn't admit it, I didn't want to. My strong desires created stories in my mind that slightly went their own way. I wasn't completely in the clouds - usually burnout doesn't happen to people who just daydream. Intense work and not being in touch with myself led me to not realizing how deeply I had sunk.
So what I was missing was authenticity and contact with reality.
It's not true that if you really love doing something, you can't burnout.
My burnout was not visible on the outside, because there was no desire to confess, share my feelings and seek comfort from people. It was simply too much and I felt more lonely than ever. But some deep part of me knew that I needed this time of silence and darkness. Even the things that I usually love were foreign and a burden to me: a walk in the forest, painting, all my rituals with morning exercise, breakfast and fake coffee, meeting or talking with a good friend, visiting the local organic shop... Everything was a burden to me. At first, I only felt that there was nothing left of me, only a shell and sadness inside. All the questions, how I didn't know how to communicate better and express my desires, demands, how I didn't know how to set boundaries for projects and plan costs better financially... All the questions were loud at first like the biggest self-condemning storm, but then they quieted down and I was able to surrender. I needed time to grieve and say goodbye to all my judgments. The journey of transformation began, and is still ongoing. Like a snake shedding and leaving behind an old part of itself.
What’s next?
I didn't paint for three months - November, December and January. In February, I picked up a brush again and followed myself more honestly. I try to really listen to myself carefully - what I really want and what I don't, where I feel safe, where home is, what fills me, and how to express all of this in relation to my surroundings. The painting Sonata with the motif of Magnolias was created while I am finding my new way out of burnout. I never thought that painting flowers would be a joy for me, as I always associated it with an outdated view, when in the past women were only allowed to paint still lifes and maybe landscapes. Portraits and figures were mostly reserved for male painters. However, flowers are also an extremely beautiful motif and through painting Magnolias I freed myself from beliefs that no longer serve anyone today. I think the path of liberation continues, as I feel within myself that I have many beliefs about myself and the world that only limit me from living a more expressive and honest way of life. Where I allow myself to explore and wonder - what if it could be different.. What if I can do it differently this time?
MY GIFT TO YOU:
I decided to give you a JPG image for your phone wallpaper.
You can download it by clicking the Download now button below or on the image to the left.
16:9 aspect ratio, JPG format
I am still recovering from burnout. So I need and want to give myself time and love to create a new way for me. But that's a story for another time.
Thank you, dear friend, for allowing me to share a piece of my story with you. Take care of yourself with lots of love and never forget:
